Fire Emblem The Abridged Version
by eifi
Summary: Funny idiotic spoofs of what really happened in fire emblem the sacred stones. A joint series of chapters by Josh and me. xD Rated T for language.
1. Prologue

**I warn you now, this story will have tons of random spoofy stuff. It's a basic MOCK of fire emblems 7 and 8 xD Hope you like it :D Josh and I write this, but Josh is the main writer. Be prepared to experience extreme retardedness and perverted humour.**

**Disclaimer : We do not own Fire emblem xD**

**READ AND REVIEW!**

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_Far, far away, in a land created by Japanese men, beauty flourished. 256 bit coloured pixels danced and flew like the goblins that stole my socks. A plain, vats and green, spread across the landscape. Here, the Demon King, and his best friends the fauna, played hacky sack with gargoyle testicles._

_The peace, however, was soon to end. An evil was heading towards this field, a white mount, red armour, ginger hair. A man rode towards the field with evil intent. His name, Kent. This is the legend of how Kent, a former righteous and loyal knight who turned to the dark side, tried to destroy the world, with the help of a prince, a demon king, and half a dozen dead goats. This is a story of how he failed. (Insert dramatic music here)_

Kent's whole life had led up to this moment. To this plan. To this event. Years of loneliness and solitude had brought forward one of the most scheming minds in centuries, and with it, a plot. A plot to destroy the world. He rode towards the Demon King, preparing himself for the stuff of legend- A fight to the death, with the most powerful being in existence. His hand on his lance, he charged at the monster, pressure weighing on his shoulders - This was his life's work, and it all depended on this impossible battle. He rose his lance, focused on the demon and-

_OOPH!_

Kent was knocked off of his mount, which went out of control, running towards the nearby woods, terror etched onto its face and woven into its cries. Kent arose, lance once again in hand, prepared to be blown into a million pieces, fighting the wound in his side that had been made by falling on his butter knife. (Damn butter knives). Looking up, he imagined what it would be like, facing oblivion at the hands of the demon king of old. However, looking up, he saw not the crushing blow that had killed many men in legends before him, but... A bunch of fauna stared at him in shock, with a giant demon in the midst.

"Good lord! Are you okay?" it boomed "The hacky sack hit you right in the face! Did it hurt? I'm so sorry!"

Kent blinked. Then again. And a third time. Here was the legendary demon king... apologising about hitting somebody in the face with a hacky sack? "It's fine. Really, it's okay. However, do you have any spare vulnerary? I must have landed on my butter knife."

"Oh boo-boo!! A butter knife! Lethal things, they are. Why, I once slaughtered an entire village with a butter knife once. Fuckers ate all the ice cream at the shop. I had to go all the way back to the Grado - Renais border town to get one. Here you go!"

The Demon King held up his hand, and in an instant the pain was gone. Looking down, Kent saw a blue orb hovering on his wound, the centre of it healing the skin there immediately. When its slowly dispersed and disappeared the blood stains, the pain, and the wound had gone. Amazed, Kent immediately dropped to one knee, and let go of the lance he still had poised for battle.

"Forgive me, oh Demon King. I pray you do not smite me."

"... Uh, 'Sal right, call me DK."

".... Okay...." Kent blinked yet again and rose to his feet. "Say... You don't happen to know about the whereabouts of a certain object of immeasurable power, capable of destroying the world?"

The fauna suddenly seemed alarmed. "DK! You can't say anything about it! Not one word!"

"About what? About the ultra powerful daisy of doom, located just west of here?"

"... Fucking retard."

Kent had already heard what he needed to hear. He spent the rest of the day with DK and the Fauna, sickened by their happy, playful behaviour. This is not what a demon king should be acting like! When he was the lord of death, feared by all, things would be different. His role in Fire Emblem 7 was so small, now, here, in Fire Emblem 8, he would be the main villain that would destroy the world! - He would be victorious! After extracting more information, killing a few fauna behind a tree, and getting one of the original developers to program him into the game, he was ready. At nightfall, he snuck west, found the daisy of doom, and fled back to the demon king.

"Where'd ya' go?"  
"To do my business."

"EWWW! You're disguuusting!"

"You do it too. But I have a question. How do I get from here to the world of Fire Emblem?"

"No! Bad kitty! Nobody can know where the bridge is."

"The bridge? What bridge?"

"You know, the bridge about 3 leagues north of here? The one you cross to get into the Fire Emblem world?"

At this, the fauna all let out moans. Murmurs spread among them.

"Fucking retard"

"He can't keep anything secret god damn it."

"I wish he'd just shut up for once..."

Kent smirked. This would be easier than he had thought.

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**Hope you liked the first chapter xD The next will come out whenever we want it to roflmao xD Review people! Oh and if you haven't ever played Fire emblem, PLAY IT. IT IS A GOOD GAME. **


	2. The Invasion of Renais

_**Hi guys xD Here's the next chapter of the story xD Josh wanted to rename this story to fire emblem abridged, so it has been renamed :'D**_

_**Enjoy guys xD **_

_Three knights were riding ahead of their battalions. Two on horseback, one flying above them, Selena, Glen and Duessel rode towards Renais, readying their weapons and steeling their courage against the horror that awaited them in the land of their now late allies._

"Eirika?!" Ephraim called "Eirika! Help! HEEELP!"

Eirika's head popped out of an open door, her expression indicated she was extremely pissed off. "What is it, brother? I'm busy."

"Uh, th- th- there's a spider in my room." He gasped.

"Just kill it with your lance!"

"What if it biiiites?"

"JUST DO IT!!"

"NO! I'm going hunting!"

"Bullshit! You'll be scared!"

"Well that may be but I usually just do crack and buy porn with the guy that runs the adult store down the road."

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It had barely been two hours since Ephraim had gone out that King Fado was confronted by one of his knights. He had just brought news of Grado's three generals crossing the border, geared for battle. It was no issue. They were probably under attack from the seas, asking for help. King Fado was more concerned for the safety of Grado than Renais, he knew that they would not be coming for hostilities. He was also concerned about the similarities of the names Fado and Grado, perhaps he should request a swapping of territories. However, he thought he knew that the emperor of Grado was a peaceful man and not a total psychotic evil maniac. Fado was, unfortunately, wrong. This became obvious when the three generals burst into his throne room after slaughtering his personal guards.

Selena, the fluorspar, began. "We are here to take the sacred stone of Renais. You will fall under... you will fall under the rule and love of Grado or die."

The king was astonished. He couldn't do a thing.

"Stop pressing the button, dood." Glen's voice rang, yet sounded suspiciously like that of... A penguin? "Your powerpuff girl friends Hayden and Mansel can't get here, dood. Now, where do you keep the sardines?."

Fado stopped pressing the button on his throne. "POWERPUFF GIRL : GREEN! GO!"

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"Princess Eirika, we must hurry! Grado has attacked! We must escape!" Seth's words cut through Eirika's fantasies. "Princess? Princess let's go!"

Before she knew it, she was dragged onto the back of a white horse, Seth in front of her. The horse set off at a furious pace, galloping with all its might. Seth had to use all of his skill riding horses just to control it and stop it from kicking up and throwing the two off. He was so close, she felt him rubbing up against her stomach, his powerful arms-  
Snap out of it, she told herself. She may have had sex 300 times since the day Uncle George proved he had boundary issues, but she would save herself for Seth.

"Princess, we must escape Renais. It appears Grado has broken the truce and attacked the castle. The guards were slaughtered in an instant."

"But, Seth, I-"

"I know it's hard to swallow right now, but it's true, I'm sorry. Listen, Eirika, if- WOAH! What are you doing with your hand!?"

"Uhh..."

Seth handed her a sword, forcing her to use the spare hand she had on his thigh to take it. He warned her that if it was a powerful artefact. Seth had used it in the war.

"You see, Eirika," he had said "I use it to manipulate the fabric of time and space, bending it to my will to create shambling monstrosities of the living."

Eirika just stared.

"And sometimes I use it to find and locate rapists. WOAH! It's going crazy!", referring to the sword that was now glowing blue. "There must be a rapist nearby!"

As luck would have it, there was. A gaunt, pale-skinned man on a dragon landed, cutting them off. The man, cackling, picked up his lance. "My name is Valter", he cackled, "And for the next five minutes you guys are officially my bitches!"

"..."

"Where you from?"

"What?!"

"What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?!"

"What?!"

"ENGLISH MOTHER F**KER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!"

With this, Seth attacked. With great speed he charged. "LANCE TO THE FACE, BITCH!" he yelled. Valter's dragon simply walked forward, dodged Seth's attack, and bit his arm. Yelling in pain, tears formed in his eyes. "You... YOU MEANIE PANTS! You won't huggle me you uggy snuggum dickface." With this, he rode off.

"... So", Eirika winked "how long does the dragon let you have off?"

"About 5 minutes, but that's all I need baby."

"Ehhh, when it's the quick all of the pleasure goes away. I rather have that guy you just bullied, he may take 8 minutes each round, but he can do it 7 times straight without taking a single breather. See ya'!"

Eirika ran after Seth, leaving Valter feeling thoroughly put out and wondering where his next rape victim had ran off to. Damn Renais knights.

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_Emperor Vigarde's guards dragged a shaman into the room. This man's name was Knoll. He was Grado's lead researcher in magical science, and had helped massively in the parting of the fire emblem. However, he knew too much._

_"I can break his back!" Vigarde shouted, putting on a bad Russian accent "break his back, make him humble, AND THEN F**K HIS ASS! KILL HIM AND ALL OTHER WORKING ON THE STONE!"_

_Knoll was dragged off, to the sound of an executioner sharpening his axe and soldiers going to arrest the other researchers. It would be a dawn shaded blood-red._

**Remember to review :D**

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Invasion of Renais


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